HOW AM I DRIVING?

That was the question on the back of the huge moving truck semi thing I got stuck behind this morning....all...the....way....to....work. Funny thing. I couldn’t seem to get over to pass the truck until I actually saw that question.

HOW AM I DRIVING?

Well, lately, these past few weeks, if I am being honest...not too well at times. Let me explain.

What I have been failing to also say here on my blog is that outside of the miscarriages and blood tests, the week of my D&C there was also a major ‘re-structure’ that took place at work. Yes, I still have my job. But it was affected and I will be moving offices, bosses...etc. (That is all I will or can say at this point) And, I have several friends (close, dear friends) I work directly with that were not so....”lucky”. And my heart has been broken for them.

I have worked in my full time job for 7 years. So my world these last few months has literally been tossed around, turned upside down, flipped over...etc. I could go on. And I just feel like I am taking continual punches in the gut over and over and over again.

Last week was a culmination of emotion building up for weeks now. At times, I have felt as if I cannot breathe. I have felt like I have been pushed ‘over the edge’. Like I am not ‘coping’. Too much to handle at one time and my ‘driving’ has been all over the road as I have no clue how to steer or even how to drive anymore. I have thought about calling my doctor several times and asking for something to help me. I have thought about committing myself somewhere for a bit. I have thought about just quitting and walking away.

But something stops me every time. God? I know he is near. Even when I haven’t felt like it. Not that He has to...but He has been proving himself to me.

Now, on top of all of this.....I am being followed. Yes, stalked in a way....all week...or weeks...bear with me as I take a really ‘sadistic’ humorous approach to this topic...when the tears go away, the laughter HAS to come...and all I can do is laugh about this.

I am being followed by pregnant women.

They are EVERYWHERE around me.

I mentioned in my last blog about a few girls at church announcing the birth of their first babies, who happen to be due the same week I was. Well, now, one of the other girls I work with also announced her pregnancy last week...due, the same time I was. So having to see their flourishing pregnancies 6 out of 7 days out of the week...nice. As if that weren’t like some ‘sick’ in your face, have to remember all the time thing...EVERYWHERE I go, pregnant ladies find me.

For example, I was at the grocery store and there was the same pregnant lady following me down EVERY isle from produce to dairy to meat to even...the toilet paper isle. Niiice.

THEN, I was helping to ‘seat’ people at a concert at work and there were only two reserved seats on the front row in my section. Why? Because yes, there was a pregnant lady whose husband felt the need to repeatedly, *I kid you not*, tell me that his wife was pregnant....REPEATEDLY..

Serving communion at church? All the pregnant ladies form in our line.
At the gym? The pregnant lady decides to get on the elliptical next to me. Really?

In a sick way, it feels like I am living in “Night of the Living Pregnant Ladies” and I am trying to run from them....BUT THEY KEEP FINDING ME.

*go ahead, you can laugh...I hope you are...cause it is getting a bit over the top...and humorous...and I know my blogs have been heavy..*

As the pregnant ladies continue to follow me, and work feels like a place of uncertainty,
And I feel like I am having a mental breakdown....I have been grasping at straws this past week, shouting at God...”WHERE ARE YOU?”...”I NEED TO SEE YOU?”...”I DON”T FEEL YOU”...”PLEASE LET ME JUST REST FOR A BIT”.

And in a gentle way, only in tiny moments, in a whisper...like a breeze that gently shakes the tree limbs, I have heard his voice....He is saying: “I am still alive”...”I am here”....”I am close to the broken hearted”...”I am on the Move”...and peace has come over me.....and my spirit quiets down....and the tears burn my eyes. And I just rest.

My moments of experiencing the presence of the Lord lately have been so deep, so intense. Times of worship have been unreal. And I just want to stay in those moments. But I know that I have to keep moving on in life. To keep walking.

Abiding in Christ has taken on a whole new meaning. The Lord being ‘close to the brokenhearted’ I understand more now than ever...because I am choosing to allow that ‘closeness’ in my desperation, in my honesty with God, in my moments of panic.

So back to the original question: how am I driving?
Well, it all has depended on who has the wheel.