While I'm Waiting

So last Monday I had my post op appointment and a ‘what to do next’ (in terms of testing) appointment. For some crazy reason, I had this re-occurring dream (or nightmare) in the week prior to this appointment. It went a little something like this....

I am in the waiting room at my OB office. I am the first one to show up in the morning but within minutes the people pour through the door and the waiting room fills up quickly. Name after name, person after person is getting called to go back...for three hours I wait, but my name is never called. I plead with the lady at the front desk over and over again, telling her that I have been there BEFORE all these people and I am STILL waiting. Won’t someone help me?
But no one does. Or even tells me when I will be next.
So I go and sit back down. And just wait.
And then I wake up.

I had this dream three nights...in a row.

Skipping to the Friday before my appointment, two girls at church announce they are expecting...one on Sept 7th and one on Sept 11th. Sept 7th was my original due date. They both announced it on Facebook. And I just simply followed the link. I immediately began to cry. Sadly, not tears of happiness for them but of a reminder of my loss. I will always look at their babies and wonder...what if mine had made it.
It found it hard to even look at them at church on Sunday getting all the “congratulations”...while my heart was secretly being torn in two and I was choking back tears.

*Let me just say that this process is killing me. I feel so....selfish, almost, in my grieving. Trying really hard to be honest with those around me about truly where I am and what is going on inside me, yet not be selfish either...I don't want to 'mask' it with an, "Oh I'm fine"...when really, I am not*

So after what felt like an eternity from my D&C to then, I was happy to walk into GRACE last Monday morning...to finally have my turn to sit down with the Doctor and talk. To look forward.
(And yes, I love that my Doctor’s office is called grace...because it is, in more ways than one, a place of grace)

And we did...we talked about a lot. I love my doctor. He is a believer and it comforts me to know that he puts his faith in the Lord. He practices grace. Things are clinical when they need to be...and non-clinical when they need to be.

We proceeded to talk about all the various things that we can test for that ‘it could be’...however, still, he didn’t want my hopes to get up because 60-70% of the time, everything comes back as normal. BUT, because I had two back to back, he felt like for my peace of mind and his, he wanted to run a series of labs on me. He was testing for about 15 different things. From my thyroid to my blood antibodies to vitamin levels to hormone levels...all they needed was 4 viles of blood....
*great...I am not so good in the vein area but I was surprisingly happy to oblige digging around in my arm to get a vein under these circumstances.*


Yes, the wait over this past week has been, at times, almost unbearable. My every thought has been consumed wondering ‘what ifs’. I googled all the things he wrote down for me to google and look up concerning what he was testing me for. All the while, getting really upset with the Lord that I was having to ‘go through this’.
Why wasn’t my body working right? Why can’t my pregnancy be normal? Why can’t I be the one getting the hugs of congratulations? Why was everyone else around me being ‘helped’, but I am left waiting?
*just being honest...this is the real thing*

I finally broke down and called them today. It has been a week. And my impatience had reached its max. I am glad it did.
And yes, they did have my results back however Dr. Jackson was on vacation this week and wouldn’t be able to talk to me about my results until next week.
But the nurse talked me through what she could see in my charts and any notes he made...hoping to help ease my mind a bit.

Basically I am normal...well, at least my blood is. *ha!* And my vitamin levels are.
The only thing ‘off’ that he had made a note on was my progesterone. It was low.
I have had several people talk to me about a ‘luteal phase defect’...aka low progesterone as the cause of multiple miscarriages. And I asked the doctor last Monday about it he told me that yes, that could be a suspect BUT findings and tests for it were really tricky and a lot of times inconclusive as to a SOLID answer. BUT, he would go ahead and test my progesterone level AND treat me for it next time I get pregnant anyways in the first trimester even if the test didn’t come out as me being low. In his words, “It isn’t going to hurt anything...but might just help”. So a low progesterone level, while it is something, it isn’t really a definitive answer.

So I hung the phone up. And exhaled.

I don’t feel 100% great about not finding really anything other than a bunch of maybe’s. But I don’t feel 100% defeated by it. In fact, I don’t really feel any different than I did before.

Psalm 37 has been brought to me over the course of this weekend and today. In such a way that I know it can only be the Lord telling me, “Hey you, listen up”. So I will cling to it. It is full of promises. Full of “get your eyes off yourself and delight yourself in ME”...”I will take care of the rest”...
I think I need to memorize it so in those moments of ‘panic’ and ‘mind wandering craziness’ and yes "selfishness", I can have something solid and true and steady to really anchor myself to.

I lastly leave you with a video below. Listen to the words of this song. It is my anthem. It is the song I sing in my dark moments...in the secret place. For as I walk through this, the desire of my heart is to strip away those things that are of me, and replace them, with the likeness of Him.
“And at the end of, my heart’s testing, with Your likeness, let me wake”.