My honest ramblings...

Oh Lord today I am weary.

I am worn out from trying to make it all better.
Worn out from trying to please everyone around me.
Worn out from smiling and putting on a cheery face when I don’t feel like it.
Worn out from working at having faith when I just don't all the time feel up to it.
Just worn out.

Honesty. We all need it. We all need to just say what we mean and mean what we say. Instead, we fluff up our prayers to God, trying our best to throw a few persuasive words in there to maybe convince him to ‘get our way’. Really, do you think He needs my help?
No, but I try my best to give it to him.
Come on Heather, all he really wants from me is to be honest with him..

If left up to me, everyone would be happy and smell roses all the time and ALWAYS say yes and NEVER say no. So that is why I am convinced it isn’t left up to me. Because that isn’t reality. And that isn’t life. And that isn’t what grows us.
Hard fact for this dreamer to swallow sometimes.
And that makes me weary. And sometimes mad. Because honestly, at times, I just don’t want to grow. I don’t want to face hard times. I don’t want to go through bad things. And I don't want others to go through hard things.
I don’t want to confront and have conversations.
I would rather run away to a small island far far away and just live off coconuts and sunshine until life settles down again.
Yep, that is me in a nut shell. Or a coconut shell. A dreamer and a runner and a planner.

I have recently come to the reality that I have lost something I once had. I have lost my spontaneity. You see, I am a planner. It is inbred into my soul. Makes me good at what I do, but lousy at life many times over as life is always unpredictable when people are in it. And that makes me really lousy at the above mentioned: honesty, faith, trust. Because I just want to control it all. And the essence of those is anything but controlled. It is not seeing. Not feeling. Not touching. But just doing. And being. And waiting on Him to work it out.
Something I am having a hard time with.

So, with all that I say to you Lord:

I definitely need your Grace today.
I need your peace. Your protection over my life and everyone in it.
I need your quiet arms around me; stilling this frenzied and tired existence I call my body.
I need your plans to be my plans as my plans continually cause confusion to my nice little controlled existence. And that doesn’t work. Never has. Never will.

So I surrender. This day. My will. For Your ways. Your grace. Your peace. Your love.
Amen