"Three item Grandpa...Band-Aid Granny...and my trip to Ingles"

So my trip to Ingles last night was an experience unlike anything I have had while grocery shopping....pretty much ever....
It felt as if someone secretly stuck a sticky note to my back that said, “This girl does not exist, please cut in front of her as you please.” But, it is pretty comical.

I work with seniors a lot in my job so I know how they can be sometimes. I even got punched right before Christmas time this past year by an elderly mental patient that came with a church group. He didn't hit me hard, cause I am fast as lightning and saw it coming and was able to move out of the way quick enough. But, he did call me a mean lady because I made him wear his name tag before getting off the bus.
So nothing really surprises me per say, when it comes to the actions and re-actions of the older generation...In fact, I love working with the older generation....and maybe that is why I am still laughing...but really.....

At least it makes for some comical story telling.

OK, Here we go:
I went to Ingles to get a few snacks and drinks to take to the beach with us this weekend. As I stepped out of my car I noticed a woman standing in the middle of the road just looking straight into the store...as if she was looking for someone.

Because she was where she was, and because Ingles only makes their openings only big enough for one person to walk through at a time (I hate that! HUGE store, TEENY WIENIE little doors...just doesn’t make sense), I was stuck waiting for this lady to walk through the doors.

It seemed she was reading every bit of information posted on the door, almost as if she needed to see if the store hours were as they said they were, so I proceeded to go around her and politely say, “Excuse me”. However, when trying to make my way around her, she somehow managed to step in front of my every step...VERY SLOWLY....walking as if she was drunk.

So I just slowed down, and followed her into the store. I was trying to be nice. At this point.

We finally both made it through the first set of double doors where she proceeded to just stop...right there, in the middle of the walkway of Ingles, peering forward through the double doors once again, as if she was looking for someone inside. I quickly made my move around her, grabbed a cart and tried once again walk through yet the other set of teeny weenie doors.

Again, she proceeded to walk forward at that same time, managing to step in front of me, in an inebriated fashion; as if she already knew and had rehearsed my every step....I was getting a bit HUFFY at this point.
*Seriously lady, let me in! I had chips to buy.*

When she finally made it through the doors, and I was FINALLY able to get into the store, I bolted around her with my cart, sighing really HEAVY...obviously so she would hear me...
*don't worry, the Lord was about to make me repent for my rudeness in about 10 min...*.

I looked back as I headed down the chip isle, and all I could see was this ladies expressionless face standing lost in the floral section. She was clueless. I noticed her eyes were COMPLETELY glossed over and bloodshot and her hair was matted.

It was at that point that I realized that chic was indeed drunk or HIGH on something and completely not present in her body. As quickly as my anger and frustration had come, my heart began to have some sympathy for her. She really had no clue I was trying to get in. And she obviously had some much deeper issues.

Ok, that made for odd experience #1. Now, fast forward through the grocery shopping bit to the check out line. This is where it gets good.

I had too much stuff to go through the self check line, and in pure Ingles fashion, at the busiest time of the day, there were only TWO cashiers working. (again, another pet peeve....When you are trying to get out of the store with just a few items and every person at the self check line has a cart FULL.... and every time, they have alcohol and produce and then they pay with a credit card....well, you know what I mean...what is the point of self check out when you have to use the cashier to help you with everything?)

I got in line behind a lady and her elderly mother...both with carts piled full. The lady was helping her mom get groceries, as well as her own.
She looked at me and said, "I am so sorry honey"...to which I said, "No big deal!"

I made myself comfortable, grabbed a magazine...*It was going to be awhile*

Well, no tabloid cover or Southern Living article was going to be more entertaining that what was about to happen to me. So hang on.

Two things happened at almost the same time. Coming from behind me, I heard a man sigh pretty heavily when seeing the line. (actually I felt the breath from that sigh on my neck he was so close...come on now, give me some personal space dude!?)
So I turned around to look...well, more like glare at him for being so rude (*who does things like that?! ...I mean, oops!*) and saw an elderly man standing there with only three items in his basket.
*Ok, I understood his sigh and completely sympathised with him*
But before I could say anything and offer to let him go in front of me, he walked away.

Upon turning back around, I noticed another elderly lady who was a bit...mmmm... *Gee, How do I say this nicely?*...well, in the spirit of Easter...."one egg short of a full dozen”....standing by the bagger with little box of band aids.
She was staring him down as if she had a deep question about the band aids and he was her only source of help.
In pure teenage fashion, he just ignored her and kept bagging.
She eventually disappeared.

After about 15 min of standing there, (problems with grandma’s credit card...of course) Cart #2 in front of me was FINALLY close to done and it was almost my turn...as if out of nowhere, here comes “three item Grandpa” sneaking his way around the candy (no joke) , almost to where the checker lady was, with his back to me, sidestepping his chest high shorts in front of my cart. (Again, I kid you not) As much as I tried, I could NOT get him to make eye contact with me.

*come on buddy, I know I have blond highlights but I ain’t that stupid! I can see you and your mile high shorts and white legs and Velcro shoes in front of me*

Needless to say I was a bit taken back at the audacity of his entitlement, and upon wanting to respond in....um....anger....and make him go to the back of the line where he belonged, *obviously he missed a day in kindergarten* I noticed the bagger looking right at me with wide eyes to see what my reaction was going to be.

*ouch...Ok, God, you win...obviously I lost the battle for responding in the right way upon entering into the store that the Lord was going to teach me a thing or two before leaving*

I took a deep breath, winked, shook my head and smiled. I mean, come on...it really was pretty funny of him to think that I wouldn’t notice him. I seriously hope that isn’t me in 50 years.

The thing that gets me is that if he would have ONLY ASKED me, I would have gladly said yes. He didn’t have to be sneaky about it and make it happen the hard way.
(*hmm...that'll preach*)

Needless to say I let “three item grandpa” just go ahead. It wasn’t worth calling him out on it and making a complete...um...fool...of myself....
The longer I stood there the funnier the situation got.
(because yes, HIS credit card would also not work...had to call a manager...another 10 min ordeal...of course...he awkwardly stood there with his back facing me...I could only imagine that he was wanting to bolt out of the store as fast as he cut in line in front of me...maybe he was being humbled a bit for his impatience....just saying...or hoping)

Well, as if the sign on my back was GLARING a bright neon color at this time, I all of a sudden notice that “band-aid Granny” was back. I could feel her on my right shoulder. Then right beside me....And then right in front of me. Yep, she too scooted her way around me, and in front of my cart. (I KID YOU NOT!) Seriously, my cart was almost on top of the cashier at this point so that everyone would know that I was next...but not "egg less band-aid granny." She actually pushed my cart a little out of the way.

She too, would not make any kind of eye contact or respond to me in ANY way. And this time I tried desperately to say, “Excuse me” to get her attention, to yes, give her permission to break in line in front of me.
But she wouldn’t give me the time of day.
*of course not...it is just easier to assume I am going to do the right thing, then to ask me to do it*

And because the bagger had only had three items to bag...and we were all just standing around waiting for a manager to help “line cutter, three item Grandpa” check out, he again was staring me down with eyes wide open watching and waiting for my reaction.
To which I proceeded to wink and smile, and just stand there and laugh. He was laughing too at this point. How could you not? It was like the funny farm was let out on my row.

Finally, Ingles called in the Calvary and began opening other check out lines. One of checkers looked right at me and said, “Ma’am, I can get you over here”. However, in less than three seconds flat, “Band aid Granny” took off as if someone had shoved some dynamite up her “you know where”. SHE WAS going to be FIRST no matter what!

So I just stayed put. And laughed.

The checker laughed. The bagger laughed.

And after what should have been a 20 min trip to the store, ended up being around a 40 min ordeal at the store... I FINALLY got to check out.

I know this was a long story but on the entire way home from the store as I was STILL laughing over what just happened, I was thinking to myself, “Ah NOW that will make for a great Blog story!”...

The lesson?
*Cause I always have to be that way*

Next time I go to the store, I will not forget my pepper spray.