Baby Waldorf #2...in the arms of Jesus

Well friends, I was delaying blogging until we had our 8 week appointment and that I could blog happy things. But unfortunately, that is not the case.

Yes, I have been pregnant for 8 weeks. Very excited...but nervous. As the weeks went on, and the pregnancy symptoms began to rear their ugly head, I began to relax some. "Symptoms" are sings of a healthy pregnancy. Or so I thought.
I had been counting down the days on the calendar until that first appointment....I felt as if I was running a marathon....and each day, I got closer to the finish line...or the starting line.

Friday the 28th at 1:45.

It was a happy appointment....until the ultrasound. Within minutes of our little one coming on the fuzzy screen I knew something was wrong by the tone of my doctors voice. And then he went, "oh, honey....I am so sorry".

The baby only measured at 6 weeks with no heartbeat detectable. All I saw was a lifeless kidney shaped blob on the screen.
The only thing I heard from that point forward was "I am pretty sure this is a missed miscarriage". THe rest was a blur as I had felt like someone punched me in the gut and all the wind was sucked out of my lungs.

Tears were streaming down my face and all I could do was look at my teary husband to focus on not totally loosing it.

We were asked to come back today at 10:45 to make sure there was no error. The doctor wanted to try and give life a chance to prove him wrong.

It was almost a torturous weekend. Wondering what was happening in my body. If there was life. If there was death. Would I begin to miscarry naturally. My mind was swimming constantly. I had several very hard questions to the Lord. I felt as if His love was for everyone else...but just not me right now....and I was mad...I felt betrayed.( Just pure honesty here.)

All I desired was an answer and peace. And thankfully, I got my answer with peace cushioning every side of it. Some ladies at church laid hands on me yesterday and prayed prayers of strength over me. They prayed for me because I just didn't have the strength to pray myself.

So this morning, when the fuzzy screen came on, and not a sign of that 6 week old baby was even detectable on the screen any longer....I knew I had my answer. And I had peace. Peace that passed my understanding of the situation.

To sum it up: the baby died at 6 weeks but my body did not recognize the miscarriage. The placenta and everything else continued on as if it was a normal pregnancy with all its signs and symptoms continuing to trick me into thinking I was progressing along normally. Nature's cruel cruel joke.

I am scheduled for a DNC this thursday morning. Outpatient surgery. And then it is finished.
We are going to do some bloodwork in a few weeks to rule out any type of hormonal or vitamin deficiency. My doctor feels I am 100% healthy and normal....I am not sure about the normal. :-) But I am requesting the bloodwork for my peace of mind and he is willing to do it at this point.

My heart is broken and there are no words that I can bring to you at this point except that I simply do not understand....any of it. It hurts more than I can put into writing right now. Maybe later. For now I ask for prayers for Thursday.

I will write more when I am ready....maybe when the fog clears a bit in my mind. For right now, I covet your prayers more than you know.