"You give and take away...but my heart will truly say...Lord Blessed be Your Name"

**Let me just start and say that writing has become an outlet for me...and a way to get through things in life. I battled whether I should even blog this because there were people that may get their feelings hurt about not knowing...but, I needed to. It was so sudden and so fast...This is my blog. And I needed to just get it out.**

There are just some things this side of heaven I will never completely understand.
And I know we aren’t meant to understand it all. And in my feeble way I am learning very slowly that that is the beauty of learning TRUE and complete trust in the Lord. In everything. In every circumstance. Whether we understand or not.

As some of you may or may not already know, just a little over a week ago Wes and I found out we were pregnant. Yes, it came as a shock because NO, we weren’t “trying”....but, upon our discovery of this new adventure in our lives, we were settling into the idea of a different life...and growing excited about this new journey.

We made decisions the night we found out to only tell our immediate family and maybe a few close friends until the first doctor’s appointment. As we knew that we needed the covering of prayer and support at the very beginning from some.
Again, it was a first for us in everything....and such an exciting week.

We had finally reached the last of our immediate family and friends on Thursday.

Friday morning at 4am I awoke to severe cramping and bleeding. I proceeded to freak out slightly. By 6am I was feeling bad. Really bad. I was trying my best to last until 9am to call the doctors office but was starting to get a little worried. So I made a decision and called the emergency line. The doctor on call called me back almost immediately and had me come in.

Nothing really that they could tell me but check me over, make sure it was not an ectopic pregnancy, and take my blood. The blood results would “tell us more” as to what was going on.

By 6pm Friday evening the nurse called back and with sadness and sympathy in her voice she said, “Mrs. Waldorf, I am so sorry but your hcg levels are just too low and what is going on is more than likely an early terminated pregnancy”. Nothing that I didn’t already feel in my heart as all throughout the day I had already began grieving. Sometimes the Lord just prepares you in advance.

I have never felt more “out of control” in my life. I have never felt such a deep sadness. An emptiness as the life was being taken out of me and all our excitement we had felt this past week being stripped away. And there was nothing I could do to speed it up or slow it down. I just had to let it happen. Let the Lord do, what He needed to do in me. Completely helpless.

I envisioned my hands that were clasped so tightly to this “thing” inside me being pried open and taken away against my will. I was powerless. At times, emotionless.
But, as hard as it was....I could feel the peace in the storm. I could feel prayers being lifted up. And I tried, the best I could, to praise Him through it. And I will admit that it is so much easier to write and to say than to truly walk out.

I have never been more in love with my husband as we truly experienced the good times and bad, in sickness and health, for better or worse, vows we took 2 ½ years ago. He was a rock. My rock.
He knew when to speak and when to just be. When to let me cry and sulk and when to “get me out” and moving. He just knew what to do, in God’s strength; he just knew what I needed. For that, as hard as this past weekend has been, it comes with a sweetness of memories in our marriage that I will never forget. And our love has grown deeper in a way that could not have happened without this experience.

I have been doing my best to let my heart grieve. Yes, even though we had just found out, there are still emotions and questions I wake up with and battle. And I was still loosing something that was inside me...on its way to life. Whether I was 5 weeks or 5 months. A loss is a loss. And I still lost.

As I have been seeking and crying out to the Lord these past few days with many unanswered questions, the only peace that I can make sense of in this is that God’s grace was abundantly present to me. I was only emotionally only one week in. That is His Grace. And I will stand on that. That has been what I have heard Him tell me over and over this weekend. So strong. So for that, I praise God with all that is in me.

Wes has been a great DJ of worship music this weekend. Filling our home with songs of praise...trying to help sooth my heart with worship. He knows how to help me when I don’t know how to help myself. There is a song by Christy Nockeles that I had to recently learn for a worship set at church a few weeks back called “Healing is in Your Hands” ...little did I know how much this song would carry me through these past few dark days. Google it and listen to it if you get a chance. There is strength in these simple truths of the Lord. That no matter what life throws at us, God still loves us. He still loves me.
This song has been my anthem and will continue to be on repeat on my iPod until this storm subsides inside me.

Verse 1
No mountain
No valley
No gain or loss we know
Could keep us from Your love

Verse 2
No sickness
No secret
No chain is strong enough
To keep us from Your love
To keep us from Your love

Chorus
How high
How wide
No matter where I am
healing is in Your hands

How deep
How strong
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

Verse 3
Our present
Our future
Our past is in your hands
We're covered by Your blood
We're covered by Your blood

Bridge
In all things we know that
We are more than conquerors
You keep us by Your love