FACEing the Music

About a month ago I was asked if I would like to sing a certain song during the communion time at church on this particular week in our "Sacred" series talking about Communion. This question took me well off guard as I haven't sung by myself at all since going to Highland. Not that I haven't wanted to, but I have really just enjoyed my one Sunday a month on the worship team as well as taking part in the choir commitments as they are. I have prayed since going to the church that God would use me in the way HE wanted to and in HIS timing, whether that be musically or otherwise.

The song I was asked to sing was an old Cheri Keagy song. Simple words, simple message, easy melody, and best of all in the key of C! So I said yes.

I rehearsed and rehearsed. On several occasions I put the song on repeat, all day, in my office and then would sing it acapella the whole ride home from work.

However, this last week in particular, I found myself getting anxious on several occasions about Sunday. I know that it isn't about my ability however I have always had some insecurities about my voice by itself. It is just simply my humanness coming out in something the Lord wants me to place trust in. And at Highland, I have never in my life experienced more musical gifting and talent in one place. So my intimidation has been somewhat legitimate. OR, I have justified it that way. And honestly, maybe held myself back just a bit because of feeling like I "can't" measure up to the level of musicianship. I have kinda given God the whole, "well I can't sing or play like them so the Lord must want me to serve elsewhere" routine. Even though, it is one of my greatest passions.

Fast forwarding to yesterday, I woke up feeling awful. I don't think I slept a wink thanks to the cup of coffee I shouldn't have drank the night before. My head and throat were hurting and I felt as if I was about to "toss my cookies" all morning.

I spent the drive to church praying that the Lord would use me regardless...and praying that if I was coming down with some kind of stomach bug, that it would please hold off until after church.
Once I got to the Orange Peel however, my stomach seemed to settle down some.

However, it was short lived and my nerves seemed to flood back almost instantly when we were finally ready to sound check. We did a verse of the song and I was ready for the sound check to be done. I just felt a bit off and like my nerves were going to get the best of me. I always get this way. Music has always been such a great passion and release for me, but also such a great source of fear for me. I literally have to draw close to the Lord for my strength every time I sing.

We had some time before the service started so I went and got some hot tea, found a seat and just prayed silently....handing it over to the Lord...finally.

Fastfowarding a bit...Shannon was wrapping up his message and told the band to come on up. I got up and walked back stage. *heart started pounding...big breath, here we go*

Even though I had rehearsed the song into the ground for a month, I still felt like I needed my "cheat sheet" lyric page to comfort me on stage that morning. I wasn't planning on taking it, because I knew the words, but at the last minute I decided I needed my crutch. And just like I thought, there was a music stand backstage waiting for me to take with me out there.

We had a few minutes before walking out so I yanked on the top of the music stand to make it more eye level . I guess the Wii fit has been paying off some, because with the force of my pulling, I managed to pull the top right off the music stand. AND, with the thrust and trajectory of the top of the stand, it made its impact right between my nose and my upper lip.

Yeah, that's right. Just moments before I was to walk out on stage, I managed to punch myself in the face with the music stand. I hit myself so hard that I literally saw spots for a moment. And then I felt the pain. My eyes instantly filled with tears. *Ouch..ouch...ouch*
I felt with my hand to make sure I still had my two front teeth, *which I did...a bit loose, but they are still there*....And upon bringing my hand away, I noticed that my fingers were bloody.

As if almost knocking myself out with a music stand weren't bad enough, I also cut a gash on the OUTSIDE of my face. At this point, the tears were from pain AND PANIC. I quickly found a napkin and began to try and get the bleeding to stop.
It was at that same time that I realized the prayer was being said over communion and I needed to get out on stage.
*um...it was awkward to say the least*
I stepped out and prayed that the building would be dark enough for no one to see. It usually is, and praise God it was yesterday as well.

I honestly cannot remember singing the song that first service. My face hurt so bad, I had tears running down my eyes from pain and complete exhaustion of the situation. I was holding the mic as close as possible to try and cover up the bloody gash just above my lip that was still oozing out blood. I sang and sang and kept going back and forth from trying to keep my voice from wavering to trying to remember what I was out there for. It wasn't about me at that moment and I was trying to hard to just get through.

So why do I say this all? To laugh at my klutziness? Well, feel free...because I have. Sometimes I even wonder how I have managed to avoid the emergency room all these years as klutzy as I am...geeze...

yes, Hello. I am Heather and I do stupid things.

But the lesson learned for me yesterday was this. Sometimes I think that things like this happen so God can show me He really is in control and He really can use me in all my stupidity and pain....regardless. And judging from a few sweet comments from friends, somehow He manage to use me yesterday...in that moment...at that place of pain...for such a time as this. He really sang through me. He had to...because me, in my human flesh, couldn't. Physically, I could not.

And just like Moses gave the Lord 1001 reasons why he could not lead the people out of Egypt, I try and make 1001 excuses as to why the Lord cannot use a gift He has given me to speak to people. That is it in a nutshell. It has resonated with me all day long. So I have had to "face" the music of my insecurities and excuses and just say yes to His ability to equip me for the task He places in front of me.

And the simple lesson learned:
"Just be willing Heather. I will do the rest."
AND
"Never, EVER trust a lone music stand"