Waist deep mud...

Maybe I should just re-title my Blog: “Heather’s Venting” Because that is all it is for me…or at least that is my reason for writing today….

I was always afraid to speak up in school for fear that what I said was wrong and would end up looking stupid. I was also that way when I first started my job 4 years ago. Primarily because I didn’t know what I was doing. Now with some added confidence, I am speaking my mind a bit more; not because I feel like I always have to be right, but because I have a bit of experience doing what I am doing and feel like what I have to say is valid….

So I did today….and inevitably, I felt like it was taken the wrong way, my words were twisted, and I felt like I was the LAST person to know what I was talking about when considering the hospitality of others…All it was, was a suggestion for some “boundaries” to be made in consideration of last minute changes….a suggestion….that’s all…I do this ALL the time…I coordinate roughly 70 groups a year so I should be the first to say that sometimes it is ok to tell someone “No” for the sake of the whole group. I do have some basic knowledge of what I am doing!

All week I have felt like I have had to put on boxing gloves with everything I have done at work…it is like trudging through waist deep mud. *ugg!* And it is only Wednesday!

I do love the fact though, that my boss and my department always have my back. And they did. At least they were on the same page. Maybe that is why it doesn’t scare me to speak up anymore in these situations. Maybe I have gained a bit of confidence because of that one fact. But I am finding that when this happens, I immediately get super defensive. Not necessarily on the outside, but I am doing some serious steaming on the inside. My face gets flushed and I just simply get irritated. Then, with some time, I begin to realize that I am overreacting because they overreacted…and really, what a dumb cycle it is…

I am calm…and ok…now…and still hold fast to the fact that I had a good idea. Which, that fact alone reminds me that I am human. And that there is an inner tiger of feistiness still about me. I am such a conflict avoider that I sometimes wonder where that little girl went that used to be so feisty and competitive. Seriously, I was…It scares me to watch old videos of myself! I was quite the little ‘piece of work’ if ya know what I mean. Growing up and growing through heartache does a lot to change you. But every now and then, like I did this afternoon, I see that I am still that little girl. I still have it in me. I haven’t lost that part of me, just suppressed it because of past hurts. And with the right encouragement, and time, and experience…that will continue to grow into a healthy part of my personality. So I guess I should just be thankful for weeks like this and chalk another one up for “Conflict Boot Camp 101”!

…”Is it 5:00 yet?”….