Journey in the dark

Here I am again.
Another baby given to the Lord before this mama had a chance to know it.

As sad as this may sound, it gets a little easier. Don't get me wrong. My heart is still broken. And it is still a process filled with intense emotion. But the 'blow' of loosing my third pregnancy was almost easier to experience this time. This place; the dark quiet place of questioning, is becoming strangely familiar.

I was being monitored this time from the start. For only a few weeks. We knew what was taking place as my levels stopped rising like they should have. That coupled with a few failed attempts at finding anything on an ultrasound, eventually led to the dreaded words, "Non Viable Pregnancy" once again. My body still not wanting to cooperate and miscarry naturally anytime soon, I opted once again for a D&C to terminate this nightmare so I didn't have to linger for weeks waiting for it to happen.

My D&C was yesterday. I am sitting here today completely exhausted in 'recovery mode'.
I know my exhaustion stems from the zillions of medicine bottles sitting in front of me as well as the emotional toll this process takes. But again, this time feels so different. Maybe because I know what this place feels like. I almost expect it now at the sign of a positive pregnancy test. I feel as if I am a bit numb to any and all of the excitement that is suppose to come when you find out you are pregnant.

But please, don't feel sorry or sad for me about that. And here is why.

I had an amazing revelation on Sunday while I was sitting at church. This journey I am on is just that, a journey. So many times we focus on the destination and forget about what it took to get there.
And this is not because of anything I have done or not done.
This battle, is simply a product of a fallen world.

We were never promised that we would not have trials or tribulations. And so many Christians get that wrong. As tears were pouring down my face during worship, I stood up, put my hands in the air and began to fight. To fight in worship. To fight with my praise. To not let the enemy defeat me. To not let the enemy take a stronghold over me in this. I have felt the battle deeper and harder than ever this time. The battle for my soul.

The enemy comes to kill, to steal, and to destroy. And man can he hit where it hurts most. He is trying. So very hard.
But my God is stronger. And I know that. And I proclaim that.

Does that mean that just because I say that and believe that, it automatically guarantees us the promise of a healthy child next time? No. It doesn't. God isn't a manipulator. He didn't say that if we do this or say this or act this way THEN I will give you this. Prayers and promises don't work like that.

Please don't misread this. I do believe the Lord wants good things for us. I do. My faith may be weary right now in really understanding that fully. But I don't believe that just because I asked God to spare my pregnancy this time, and because he didn't answer that way, that he is not still a Good God and desires to give me good things.

I prayed for his will to be done. And it was. He knew my heart.

He is God. I am not. I don't understand. But I do know that when I am at my weakest point, he is so close. I feel him so close. And that is where he wants me.

There was, this time, a small possible glimmer of hope as we were doing the last ultrasound. The doctor 'thinks' he may have seen something that could be an answer. But it requires a bit more of an extensive test once my body heals from the D&C.
If he is right, the 'fix' is relatively easy. Why he saw it this time I don't know. But that little nugget of potential, provided a ray of hope to keep pressing forward in this journey where I would have otherwise been ready to "throw in the towel".

Now it may be nothing more than the Lord saying, "Press on". Or, it may be an answer to questions I have had for the last 8 months as to why I can't seem to hold onto my babies. I don't know. Either way, it provided me drive.

Call it determination. But there is a holy endurance powering me from the inside that is totally not Heather....There is no way I can do any of this on my own.
I need to back up and say, there is a holy endurance powering us. I shouldn't leave Wes out of this. I have seen such patience and kindness and steadiness out of my husband in all of this. Even though I am dealing more physically with this, it effects him just as much. In different ways I know, but he has had a long journey as well and should be commended.

He has kept me laughing. Kept me sane. He has been by my side holding my hand and encouraging me to press on. I look back and am amazed at his strength. He is pressing in to none other than the strength of the Lord as well. And it is evident.

Thanks to those of you who once again have prayed us through the last few weeks of battle. My arms have been held up by faith family and friends around me. Please keep the prayers going. Lets continue to fight. To battle on. Victory is coming soon.